1. Avoidance Bias can lead us to stay silent when communication is needed
- Fear of conflict can lead to avoidance, but inaction risks further deterioration in our relationships with others. Our internal voices often clash: one says, ‘Go for it!’ while the other says, ‘Are you crazy?’
- Becoming aware of this internal tension is the first step toward moving forward productively:
- Acknowledge the conflict within
- Reflect on your emotions, and
- Choose a course of action that leads to positive outcomes and resolution.
2. Beware of the emotional ‘gap’ between your internal voice (or thoughts) and what you actually say.
- A small gap is normal (we don’t want to say EVERYTHING that comes into our heads) – such as saying ‘I’m fine’ when you’re actually not feeling fine. However, a big gap can make a difficult conversation more likely.
- The bigger the gap, the more difficult it becomes to communicate authentically.
- Bridging the gap requires emotional literacy and active empathy.
- For example, when discussing a sensitive issue with another person: “I know this might be a tough conversation, and I want to handle it with care and respect. I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts so we can work through this together and find a solution.”
3. Effective communication shifts between three modes—inquiry, acknowledgment, and advocacy—each serving a purpose, with the right mode used at the right time.
- Inquiry – Understand Their View:
- Ask open-ended questions to explore their experience, like “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
- Dig deeper with curiosity by asking follow-up questions, such as “What led to that?” or “How did that affect you?”
- Acknowledgment – Validate Their Emotions:
- Listen for emotions and intentions behind their words, reflecting feelings like “It sounds like you’re frustrated.”
- Reflect what you hear without judgment, saying things like “So, you feel unheard, and that’s been upsetting.”
- Advocacy – Promote Your View:
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- Share your perspective clearly and respectfully, using statements like “I see it differently because…” or “I believe this might work better.”
- Use evidence, reasoning, or stories to support your viewpoint, such as “In similar situations, we found that…” or “Research suggests that…”
4. Emotions should be acknowledged, not dismissed or fixed
- Emotions are real data, not noise. They can’t be ignored or “solved.”
- Avoid harmful responses:
- “Calm down” (invalidating)
- “What did you expect?” (belittling)
- “Why don’t you just…” (unwanted advice)
- Instead:
- Acknowledge the emotion.
- Use empathetic listening.
- Separate emotions from facts—manage both independently.
5. Our brain reacts to emotion with stress that disrupts clear thinking
- When we are emotionally triggered, our amygdala (emotional brain) activates, the prefrontal cortex (logical brain) deactivates, and stress chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline surge, triggering a fight/flight/freeze response. We all need time for these stress chemicals to return to normal. This “refractory period” is not a good time to make decisions.
- One helpful strategy to manage this is to ‘name it to tame it’—labeling an emotion moves it into the thinking brain, which allows us to take a break and avoid making high-stakes decisions while triggered.
6. Being clear about your purpose helps guide the conversation toward meaningful and productive outcomes.
- Clear, intentional purpose changes the tone and direction:
- Good: “I want to learn more about their view.”
- Risky: “I want to tell them off.”
- Think forward: “In order to what?”, and not “Because you did this to me.”
- Are you trying to build a relationship, solve a problem, express yourself, or vent?
- If the goal is venting, emotional release or punishment, reassess before speaking.
7. Focus on what you can control, and influence what you cannot
- You can control:
- Your mindset, reactions, tone, body language, and whether you listen.
- You can influence:
- The process, the other person’s openness, and the relationship quality.
- If you focus on influence, your influence tends to go up.
- Focus on influence over outcome, not domination or force
8. Consensus is built through understanding interests, not battling over positions
- Consensus is not the same as voting; it’s about collaborative, high-quality agreement.
- To uncover interests, dig beneath positions (what they say they want) by asking, “Why do you prefer that?” or “What’s important about that to you?”
- Model what you want from others: Sharing your own interests can encourage openness.
- Successful negotiation involves clarifying shared goals, building on common ground, and respecting autonomy to agree—or disagree—constructively.
9. Emotional Footprint & Empathy
- Being aware of your emotional footprint means recognizing your triggers, anticipating difficult moments, and adjusting your approach accordingly.
- Empathy is different from sympathy: empathy is “I understand how you think or feel,” while sympathy is “I feel sorry for you.”
- Empathy strengthens trust, especially in tense conversations.
10. Expressing emotions is not the same as being emotional
- Effective communication begins with self-awareness, grows through inquiry and empathy, and succeeds through purpose-driven dialogue, ultimately leading to deeper connections and mutual understanding.
